What makes a victim to the victim how to defend about the Abuzer (and not to become himself)

What makes a victim victim: how to defend about the abuser (and not to become himself)

When the term "Abyuz" only entered the use of it, it was customary to consider exclusively as physical abuse of partner. Now we are aware that Abyuz has many parties – psychological, sexual and economic. The boundaries of violence may be so blurred that it is difficult to distinguish it from excessive guardianship or obsessive desire to help the partner.

The most insidious type of violence is an emotional absuse, which can be so thin and diverse that the manipulator receives almost unlimited control in relationships, and the victim does not even realize in which dangerous situation was. For example, within the abuse, a person may be forced to constantly compromise, coordinate everything with a partner, apologize and justify, to tolerate the imposed will and control of the social circle and location. "It seems you have come torture with a secondary role, carefully control yourself, which means you have learned what you need to do that your partner does not insult you openly," the psychologist Stephen Stonis comments, the author of the book "Love without harm".

Popular manipulation is Silent Treatment – ignore and punishment silence. Such behavior is so common in relations that even people who are difficult to call by abusers regularly use this technique to attract the attention of the partner and as a measure of punishment in conflict situations.

However, the consequences of emotional violence are no less destructive than physical. Among them – problems with self-esteem, disturbing disorder, heart disease, depression, chronic pain and abuse of psychoactive substances.

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What makes the victim victim

According to psychologists, the boundaries of violence are often dependent on the principles and level of the norm of the victim itself: each person the boundaries are permanently different, therefore, for some elevated voice – already Abyuz, and for other use of physical strength and sexual violence – the natural part of the relationship.

As the coach and psychologist Evgeny Idzikovsky notes, the victim of a person can become accidentally as a result of a one-time event – for example, illness or accident. But there are circumstances in which the drama lasts and lasts, the torments do not end, and the victim seems that there is no exit from problem relationships. "Two key words that define the victim and forcing people to remain in this role – responsibility and helplessness," Idzikovsky believes. The sacrifice is inclined to shift responsibility for their lives and well-being on others: "They cause me harm", "no one helps me", "I can’t influence it". The central experience remains helplessness, which also echoes the idea "it is outside of my influence, I can’t change it". The irrational faith in his own sense of helplessness turns a person in a rag, literally devours from the inside and takes all the strength.

But there is another, the unexpected side of the position of the victim. This is benefit. No matter how paradoxically, for many people who are victims, be unfairly offended – a pleasant feeling that gives the eternal indulgence, confirmation of its own "goodness", and at the same time sympathy. The benefit is not always the root cause of the situation, but if it is, breaking the vicious circle of eternal suffering is quite difficult. Relationships become similar to a mutually beneficial transaction. The aggressor gets his victim – its, periodically they even change in places.

Is there a simple solution? According to Evgenia Idzikovsky, it definitely has: "Do not like relationships – part. Yes, factors a lot. The victim seems that it is impossible to just take and part. But technically such an opportunity is. Once a person does not leave, it means the benefit of these relationships is no matter, emotional or objective – outweighs ".

Simple solutions


What makes a victim to the victim how to defend about the Abuzer (and not to become himself)

Since violence can take a variety of forms – from seemingly innocuous rides to explicit insults and humiliations, – in cases that do not threaten your physical health, psychologists advise to start from conversation immediately after conflict has occurred. Try in conversation with the offender to designate the situation that you do not like to explain your feelings. It happens that partners lack mutual understanding, and after such a conversation, the situation becomes different. Sometimes the partner is guided by the best motives and does not suspect that his actions or words give you discomfort.

Make sophisticate

If the words can not be solved, it is necessary to "make littoes from the hut" and share the problem with relatives and close friends as soon as possible, which will help prevent the deterioration in the situation. It is worth contacting and for advice to a psychologist or psychotherapist. In this context, the case of Heroine Nicole Kidman from the series "Big Little Lie". Psychotherapist becomes the first person to whom Selesta tells the details of the relationship with her husband. For several techniques, a woman tries to convince the specialist that her marriage is happy, just accompanied by small difficulties, like everyone else. But when the psychotherapist directly tells Celeste that she is a victim of regular violence, a woman accuses her in violation of medical ethics. As it often happens, the heroine of Kidman can not recognize the truth and accept the taking place with what is happening, but it is regular sessions with a psychotherapist that helps her save life and leave destructive relations. Therefore, every victim is important to count on the support of a relative, friend and especially a psychologist who will help to recognize the problem and solve it. If physical or sexual violence takes place in the relationship, the next step should be the appeal to law enforcement agencies.

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If the abuser is you

It is possible that in the description above you learned yourself and realized that the abuser in relationships is you. Blame yourself and recognize the features of violence in their own behavior is difficult, because the abouser most often does not understand what he does. Moreover, it thinks that everything makes it right, and does unconsciously. Nevertheless, the awareness of what you absorvey is the most important step towards changing your behavior. Try to watch yourself and fix the triggers that make you start and experience anger. To work in traumatic experience and detect destructive behavior strategies only a specialist will help: independent work on errors will not lead to noticeable results, because most often the abuser acts unconsciously, without understanding the current scale of the problem.

Start talking with loved ones and learn to hear them – perhaps they will tell you about the features of your behavior and give an objective assessment. You can see yourself from the side and understand how big damage bring others and relationships with those who love. Try to build a new communication strategy and, if it is not trite, to think before talking, do not shout, do not blame, do not insult and not be offended. Remember what happens if you do not start working on yourself: you are risking to lose work, the partner will go out of relationships, friends and family will ultimately choose themselves and minimize communication with you. There are no fast changes to wait, but with a psychotherapist under the guidance of a psychotherapist, you and your surroundings will see change.

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